This poem was prompted by a recurrent dream/nightmare that I have whereby I cannot find my Husband. I search and search and in the end the only conclusion I can come to in my dream is that he has passed away, the grief I feel is intense and very real. I swithered about posting the but I think it is important to share the real depths to which this disease can take us.
Because You Are Gone
When I awaken in the night
I hear music out of sight
every note is clear and true,
every bar a song for you.
Is it real? It matters not
it’s just in that moment I forgot
that you are gone - and I am here
I lie awake and think of you
and all the crazy stuff you’d do
but the bed is cold where you should sleep
and I shed tears - until I cannot weep
for drowning in this sea of grief
and cursing death - the bitter thief.
Because you are gone – and I am here
Stiff arms and legs pinned to the bed,
blood pulsing loudly in my head.
It’s such a heavy coat I wear,
it weighs me down and does not care
for chirping birds that come at dawn,
on sun’s warm rays it pours scorn
because you are gone - and I am here.
And when I rise I wear the coat
buttoned tightly at my throat
and wrapped around my waist a belt
a reminder of the love I felt.
The coat is my protective shield
the love inside I will not yield.
though you are gone - and I am here.
My coat has many pockets deep
full of things I wish to keep,
a handkerchief, a piece of string,
the scent of you, a golden ring.
My memories wrapped up in fluff
but they are simply not enough -
now you are gone – and I am here.
And when the day is nearly done
I at last return - where it begun,
wrapped in my coat upon the bed
while thoughts of you fill my head
and pray that when asleep I drift
I dream of you - a simple gift,