Because You Are Gone

This poem was prompted by a recurrent dream/nightmare that I have whereby I cannot find my Husband. I search and search and in the end the only conclusion I can come to in my dream is that he has passed away, the grief I feel is intense and very real. I swithered about posting the but I think it is important to share the real depths to which this disease can take us.

When I awaken in the night

I hear music out of sight

every note is clear and true,

every bar a song for you.

Is it real? It matters not

it’s just in that moment I forgot

that you are gone - and I am here

I lie awake and think of you

and all the crazy stuff you’d do

but the bed is cold where you should sleep

and I shed tears - until I cannot weep

for drowning in this sea of grief

and cursing death - the bitter thief.

Because you are gone – and I am here

Stiff arms and legs pinned to the bed,

blood pulsing loudly in my head.

It’s such a heavy coat I wear,

it weighs me down and does not care

for chirping birds that come at dawn,

on sun’s warm rays it pours scorn

because you are gone - and I am here.

And when I rise I wear the coat

buttoned tightly at my throat

and wrapped around my waist a belt

a reminder of the love I felt.

The coat is my protective shield

the love inside I will not yield.

though you are gone - and I am here.

My coat has many pockets deep

full of things I wish to keep,

a handkerchief, a piece of string,

the scent of you, a golden ring.

My memories wrapped up in fluff

but they are simply not enough -

now you are gone – and I am here.

And when the day is nearly done

I at last return - where it begun,

wrapped in my coat upon the bed

while thoughts of you fill my head

and pray that when asleep I drift

I dream of you - a simple gift,